hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
my poor anus
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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