i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The ass gains better be worth it
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