I wish my penis had an off switch
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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