A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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