my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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