Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
