Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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