his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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