Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
