Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
