eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
