im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
God I need to hump something, right now.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
