White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
