Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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