i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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