dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
