I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
