Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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