i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
