There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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