I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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