Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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