I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
