i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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