guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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