where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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