So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
