He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
