What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
