went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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