so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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