Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
