bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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