So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
