I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
