Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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