dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
