The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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