I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
