I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
