I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
