Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
