Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
