gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
