i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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