Me too!
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
