I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
