You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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