I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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