there's paper in my vomit.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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