my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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