Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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