Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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