i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
