when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
